he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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