ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
