Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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