people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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