You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
