so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
