Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
