just tell him i said nine months
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
