btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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