So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
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