He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
