You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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