I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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