It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
