chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
