I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
as a side note pls kill me
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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