Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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