How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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