I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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