Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
