It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
