I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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