Only a mothe r could love this liver
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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