so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
