shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
