he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
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it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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