Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
