Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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