Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
