I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
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I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
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i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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