someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
