thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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