Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
