I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
