you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
