Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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