it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
