I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
