she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
