The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
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Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
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I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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