dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
