If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
