Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
