The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
