my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.