just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
PANTIES FOUND
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