My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
