I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I want to fling myself into the sun
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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