remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You ate ashes out of my bong
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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