I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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