So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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