your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
one two three fourrrrnication!
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
