the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
