Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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